DM, United States Air Force
I am currently NYANG AGR..(full time guard). The weekend of the end of April I went on a drinking and anti-depressants and Ambien binge. my life was flashing before my eyes and I needed it to end. I ended up as a non-voluntary admit on the Psych Unit of the Syrace NY VA Hospital. (they were wonderful)
I enlisted in the Air Force in 1977, I went to Chanute AFB for Avionics School. I was having some difficulty with the class, a SNCO in Training called me in to counsel me. After a get to know you conversation, he said it was a rough day, “how bout I get you some chow off base?” I gladly said yes. Fast forward..he offered a quid pro quo..he could get me assigned to another base immediately OJT, no Tech School. All I would need to do is provide him with oral sex. I was 18…from a single parent home, welfare, etc. I complied, after a couple of weeks I received orders for my base and new AFSC.
Move on to 1980, I was the first female on Diyarbakir AS Turkey. Had many problems there, and after much pleading with the Chaplain…got assigned to Incirlik AB Turkey. I worked mainly 3-11 shifts. This was during the Iranian Hostage Crisis, and Turkey was under military rule. One evening on my way back to my dorm after my shift, I was jumped, pulled behind one of the huts and raped by a turkish soldier. I immediately walked to the base hospital and reported the rape. I was fairly well cared for at the hospital, they did what seemed like a rape kit, I spoke with Security Forces and they said they would take care of it. two months later, hearing nothing and having a really difficult time…
I spoke with the Doctor on duty, I was feeling really crappy. I was pregnant. I went to my First Sgt and broke down, he was extremely non-supportive. I should have known better than to walk alone, I culd have fought him off cause the Turks were small, was I sure that was what really happened? I demanded he speak with security forces to see where the investigation was going or I was going to file with the IG. About two weeks later I was offered a discharge due to pregnancy. I was so beaten, I felt so let down, that I accepted it.
Fast forward to 2008…I found my military stuff from back then including my health records. The pages from the rape exam were gone. I didn’t look at them when I was doing all my discharge paperwork. The past two years I have been battling depression and anxiety by myself. Self medicating with alcohol..finally spoke with my Primary Care Dr. and got sleeping pills and anti anxiety meds….four days of my life are gone, I have no recollection, but through counseling I cme to see what my problems have been, where my depression and behavior comes from. However, it has been so long, and added stressors at work…I am now just paralyzed. I’m still in the service but on admin duties, I don’t fit in, have no friends, just my husband..he has been fairly supportive but I have done many bizarre things over the years, that he is fairly numb too.
I will be 53 in a few weeks and I am just so exhausted. Thirty plus years, and I can’t recover. My substance abuse counselor thinks I have PTSD/MST..but there is no record of the assault..he put in into my records with the VA. But you know what? it really doesn’t matter. I don’t believe I will ever like myself, ever really trust anyone, ever feel whole….