Airman First Class, United States Air Force
I lost more I was with friends. People I trusted.
Being a normal 21 year old girl. I made a mistake.
Drank too much. Lost control.
But it was alright, I was with people I trusted….
I passed out; my night should have been done.
Wake up. I can’t move, something or someone is on top of me.
I can’t move.
Can’t speak something is in my mouth.
I can’t move.
Unwanted kisses go down my body.
I can’t move.
Open my eyes; everything goes in and out of focus.
I can’t move.
It’s you! I trusted, confided! Why!
I can’t move.
My legs are spread for me.
I can’t move.
My body betrays my mind.
I can’t move.
No I don’t want this, I never wanted this.
Please let him stop.
Someone wake up!
Someone stop him!
I can’t move.
Everything goes black……
I can’t move
You may have lost control for a moment, but I lost more.
You may have lost trust in people, but I lost more.
You may lose a career, but I still lost more.
I lost trust in people, in humanity.
I lost my dignity not only at your hands, but to a nurse, a camera and some cotton swabs.
I lost sleep, because I see not only you in my dreams, but nameless and faceless people.
I lost so much.
You didn’t care.
You didn’t care who you hurt.
You didn’t care how this would affect me.
I am the one who has to pick up the broken pieces and try and glue them back together
I can’t move.
I can’t move forward, don’t want to move backward.
I am stuck. Because of you there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it, and how I lost more.
You did a fantastic job describing what it is like to be drugged and raped. Its not an easy thing to do. I still can’t conceptualize the actual event.
I am so sorry for all that you went through. You are a very brave and wonderful service member that did not deserve any of this.
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
I am so sorry for all that you went through. My daughter was raped in the Air Force too. Know that there is lots of support out there if you want it.
Thank you for sharing this. You let me know I’m not he only person who feels like you do as far as how much of yourself you lose when you are raped