Update March 5, 2012: With request from the survivor, her victim advocate contacted Coast Guard District 14 (Hawaii) work life office. The sole Sexual Assault Response Coordinator is on temp. duty in Alabama-working on non-sexual assault related work for the Coast Guard. The case manager was able to speak to Commander Marc Hawkins that was not able to meet the requests from the survivor which was to be transferred to another base. Without support from the Coast Guard the survivor of this horrific rape has to continue working with and seeing her rapist on an almost daily basis. The survivor approve this message to be posted on mydutytospeak.com with hope that with public awareness that the Coast Guard won’t force her to continue to work with her rapist.
Anonymous, United States Coast Guard
When I first joined the Coast Guard I tried my best to fit in. I forced myself to go out and learned to throw back the shots to fit in. I am also in Hawaii so I might as well enjoy my time here, right?
The weekend before Halloween 2011 I was invited to a costume part at the home of another coastie. Most were underage but alcohol was plenty thanks to a PO1. He was the only PO1 at a party with non-rates and non-coasties who were ten-years his junior. He and another supplied the alcohol so he came.
The PO1 is married but rumors were that he been sleeping around with a nonrate. I never have seen them together so I cannot tell you if the rumors were true.
I was drunk. So was the PO1. Four of us crashed in the living room that evening. Me, PO1 and two others slept over to sleep off the booze. The two others were passed out drunk not aware of what was happening. PO1 and I was making out. With beer goggles he was cute. We were making out. He put his hands up my shirt. I pulled them away. He tried again. I pulled them away again. He put his hands up my skirt. I pulled them away. He put them up again and I pulled them away again. He asked why I am wearing what I am wearing if I am not interested in him. I was a nurse for Halloween wearing a short shirt and a midriff top. He threw me down on the couch, grabbed a pillow, put it over my face. I could not breathe let alone scream or fight back. He raped me. He took my virginity.
He pushed me off the couch, handed me the pillow he was suffocating me with and slept on the couch. I went to the other side of the room and fell asleep.
I was thinking. Did he just rape me? No. He did not. It could not have happened. I kept on telling myself that. Of course he did not rape me. I led him on and he took the opportunity to have sex with me. I actually thought that if I left that I would have insulted him. I felt that if I left he would have thought that he did something wrong.
In the morning we all left. I went home.
I tried to put what happened behind me. At work it was never brought up and for good reason. First of all he should not have been at a party that was full of underage people. He supplied the booze which is illegal. I am also no angel. I was drinking. I was not of age to drink. We both are equally guilty of breaking Coast Guard policies.
I tried to act like nothing happened. Mentality though I have been suffering. When I see PO1 ***** I freeze. I physically feel that I am being suffocated by a pillow again. I am not sure if that makes sense.
There is one woman in the Coast Guard that I used to hang out with often. We were friends but not super tight. We were in the living room drinking. She is friends with G who I only met a couple of times before that evening.The conversation turned to sex. That evening the conversation turned to our first time. The only man that I ever had a sexual encounter with was with PO1 with the incident at the party.
This was the conversation:
B: When did you loose your virginity?
Me: umm. Sometime ago?
G: I was X years old. (Don’t remember exact age)
G went on to explain her first sexual encounter giggling after ever syllable.
I felt teary eye. I went to the bathroom and cried. What was I suppose to say? I lost my virginity by having a man put a pillow over my face. He raped me. There I said it. He raped me. PO1 ***** raped me. He raped me. I kept on whispering that to myself punching my head, slapping myself and trying to find something to kill myself with.
I left the bathroom pretending that everything was okay. I said that I had to go. B went by the door, grabbed me by my arm and asked what was wrong. G asked why talk of penis talk scares me. I said it does not scare me but I am tired. I have duty the next day. I want to go home. G said that I became a totally different person when they mentioned the word penis.
I broke down in tears. I tried my best not to. I hate myself for crying at that moment. I was having a break down. I broke down. I told them. I told them everything about PO1 and the night at the party (they were not at that party). I told them everything. I felt so vulnerable. Here I was telling my deepest secret to two girls that I don’t even consider being that close to. Hated myself for blurting out my entire life story just because they asked.
Petty Officer *****? He is married and screwing ***** on the side. He could not have done that!
Did she really just defend a man that is married and has a little play toy on the side? She sure did.
I stayed and we continued talking. I hate myself for being so weak. I am so desperate to have friends in the Coast Guard that I put myself through their interrogation. Two drunken girls asking me details about what happened.
Was I sure if I had sex with him? OMG what If I was still a virgin.
I was after all making out with him so totally it was consensual.
How about the pillow over my face suffocating? S&M ! (and how much one of them loves it. Forgot which of the two said it)
They concluded that I am not a lesbian as they previously made a bet to each other wondering if I was. They diagnosed me as being heterosexual but suffering from penis-phobia Thanks for the diagnosis Drs.
They did not bring up the rape again but B sure went on a mission to cure my penis-phobia! I don’t hangout with her anymore since she turned 21 a few months back and does nothing but drink right now. Put everything that she did to me aside, I am concern about how much she now drinks. All the drinking though does not stop her from sending me photos of penises both real and things in penis-shapes.
Penis shaped straws? Check!
Penis shaped lollipops? Check!
Penis shaped pasta? Check!
Penis sandcastles? Check!
Penis shaped sand castles. She goes to the beach to build penises in the sand. The penis doctors are going to cure me with penis shaped sandcastles!
After B transferred to another unit it died down a bit. We haven’t spoken in at least 3 weeks.
I see PO1 ***** almost daily. Rumors are he still has his little side sex toy. We never spoke about what happened.
I did a web search for Coast Guard rape and found this website. I clicked on the link for MRCC and they refer me over to a counselor that they are paying for that won’t show up in my Coast Guard records. I love my counselor. I feel much better now that I am talking to someone. I haven’t had another break down like I did when I was with ***** and ***** I do not want to be labeled as a rape victim. I am keeping my head up high.
I know that I will be ok. If anything this made me a stronger and smarter person. I won’t ever get myself into a situation where I am so drunk to be raped again. I am done with partying. I am done with trying to fit in. I am focusing on my quals and doing my best in the Coast Guard. I spend my Saturdays nights home with a good book and I am content with that. I don’t need to go out and party anymore just to fit in. I am a bit of a loner right now but I don’t miss my old life of getting so wasted every time I am off duty. I’ll be okay.