I was raped in the Coast Guard. I already shared my story on here but want to talk about how I am feeling now, this very moment. I had a flashback of my rape. Felt him on me again, ripping my clothes off and raping me. I grounded myself and was able to get back into what I called “reality” and tears were rolling down my eyes.
I come home from work roughly 3 hours before my husband did. My plan for the evening was to have a snack of a fruit or something and then head over to yoga class. Instead I had this flashback of my rape and felt so scared of even leaving the house. I walked over to the bedroom and laid down on my bed, beneath the comforter and laid there crying because of what the Coast Guard did to me.
My husband came home, hugged me, talked to me and tried to calm me down. I took my medication (Valium) that was prescribed by the VA for moments just like this. It helped a little. I took a shower to rid of all the dirtiness that I feel by thinking that he was on me. I was able to get on the computer and write this post.
I feel nausea , my heart feels like its beating a billion times a minute. I am shaking. I am scared.
I miss my old life, my pre-Coast Guard life. I lived a pretty sheltered life. Growing up I had the ideal childhood, raised in an affluent family home, with one parent that was able to stay home to take care of the kids. I was sheltered from trauma, lost, and pain.I was happy, bubbly and always talkative. I was full of ambition and hope.
After the rape I am nothing more than an emotional mess. I cry everyday. My hopes and dreams for the future are non existence. The only job that I ever wanted was to be a member of the Coast Guard. I am doing well at my civilian job but it’s not the Coast Guard. I have my own office which I decorated from top to bottom in Coast Guard paraphernalia. I even have the Semper Paratus the Coast Guard ringtone on my phone. Surrounding myself with everything Coast Guard is just my way of not being ready to let go of my lost career and my innocence..
The Coast Guard felt that my rape was a false allegations. My rapist was never charged and since forever I have heard various rumors about where or what he may be doing now. I don’t know what is true and what is not so I won’t post that on here. What I am going to say is for my ease of mind I want to know where my rapist is. Right now I am always on alert when I am outside. I don’t know if my rapist is in my city and I could run into him at any time or should I relax a bit because he is living in the other side of the country and I am semi-safe in my city? I tried every possible way to find out where he was, googled him, looked him up on a facebook, I asked mutual shipmates and no body really knows where he is. He kinda just dropped off this earth. Constantly looking over your shoulder is very tiresome.
Recently I have called a Coast Guard recruiter and he denied my ability to re-enlist because I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a whole range of physical injuries and chronic physical pain that resulted from the rape or being beaten. I am a mess because of the rape that the Coast Guard decided was a false accusation.
It hurts so much. I want to get better. I think I am going to go back and hide in bed. Tomorrow I hope to be a better day.