Anonymous, United States Coast Guard

I was raped. They investigated and found not enough evidence to prosecute him. I still have to see him everyday. I receive text and phone calls from his wife because she says that I am out to ruin their marriage. I reported his wife but they could not do anything because what she is saying is not criminal.

Everyone else thinks that I am a liar. I lost all the friends and support that I had. I can’t live like this much longer. Why doesn’t the Coast Guard care about rape survivors?

Update March 5, 2012: With request from the survivor, her victim advocate contacted Coast Guard District 14 (Hawaii) work life office. The  sole Sexual Assault Response Coordinator is on temp. duty in Alabama-working on non-sexual assault related work for the Coast Guard. The case manager was able to speak to Commander Marc Hawkins that was not able to meet the requests from the survivor which was to be transferred to another base. Without support from the Coast Guard the survivor of this horrific rape has to continue working with and seeing her rapist on an almost daily basis. The survivor approve this message to be posted on mydutytospeak.com with hope that with public awareness that the Coast Guard won’t force her to continue to work with her rapist.

Anonymous, United States Coast Guard

When I first joined the Coast Guard I tried my best to fit in. I forced myself to go out and learned to throw back the shots to fit in. I am also in Hawaii so I might as well enjoy my time here, right?

The weekend before Halloween 2011 I was invited to a costume part at the home of another coastie. Most were underage but alcohol was plenty thanks to a PO1. He was the only PO1 at a party with non-rates and non-coasties who were ten-years his junior. He and another supplied the alcohol so he came.

The PO1 is married but rumors were that he been sleeping around with a nonrate. I never have seen them together so I cannot tell you if the rumors were true.

I was drunk. So was the PO1. Four of us crashed in the living room that evening. Me, PO1 and two others slept over to sleep off the booze. The two others were passed out drunk not aware of what was happening. PO1 and I was making out. With beer goggles he was cute. We were making out. He put his hands up my shirt. I pulled them away. He tried again. I pulled them away again. He put his hands up my skirt. I pulled them away. He put them up again and I pulled them away again. He asked why I am wearing what I am wearing if I am not interested in him. I was a nurse for Halloween wearing a short shirt and a midriff top. He threw me down on the couch, grabbed a pillow, put it over my face. I could not breathe let alone scream or fight back. He raped me. He took my virginity.

He pushed me off the couch, handed me the pillow he was suffocating me with and slept on the couch. I went to the other side of the room and fell asleep.

I was thinking. Did he just rape me? No. He did not. It could not have happened. I kept on telling myself that. Of course he did not rape me. I led him on and he took the opportunity to have sex with me. I actually thought that if I left that I would have insulted him. I felt that if I left he would have thought that he did something wrong.

In the morning we all left. I went home.

I tried to put what happened behind me. At work it was never brought up and for good reason. First of all he should not have been at a party that was full of underage people. He supplied the booze which is illegal. I am also no angel. I was drinking. I was not of age to drink. We both are equally guilty of breaking Coast Guard policies.

I tried to act like nothing happened. Mentality though I have been suffering. When I see PO1 ***** I freeze. I physically feel that I am being suffocated by a pillow again. I am not sure if that makes sense.

There is one woman in the Coast Guard that I used to hang out with often. We were friends but not super tight. We were in the living room drinking. She is friends with G who I only met a couple of times before that evening.The conversation turned to sex. That evening the conversation turned to our first time. The only man that I ever had a sexual encounter with was with PO1 with the incident at the party.

This was the conversation:

B: When did you loose your virginity?
Me: umm. Sometime ago?
G: I was X years old. (Don’t remember exact age)
G went on to explain her first sexual encounter giggling after ever syllable.

I felt teary eye. I went to the bathroom and cried. What was I suppose to say? I lost my virginity by having a man put a pillow over my face. He raped me. There I said it. He raped me. PO1 ***** raped me. He raped me. I kept on whispering that to myself punching my head, slapping myself and trying to find something to kill myself with.

I left the bathroom pretending that everything was okay. I said that I had to go. B went by the door, grabbed me by my arm and asked what was wrong. G asked why talk of penis talk scares me. I said it does not scare me but I am tired. I have duty the next day. I want to go home. G said that I became a totally different person when they mentioned the word penis.

I broke down in tears. I tried my best not to. I hate myself for crying at that moment. I was having a break down. I broke down. I told them. I told them everything about PO1 and the night at the party (they were not at that party). I told them everything. I felt so vulnerable. Here I was telling my deepest secret to two girls that I don’t even consider being that close to. Hated myself for blurting out my entire life story just because they asked.

B said:

Petty Officer *****? He is married and screwing ***** on the side. He could not have done that!

Did she really just defend a man that is married and has a little play toy on the side? She sure did.

I stayed and we continued talking. I hate myself for being so weak. I am so desperate to have friends in the Coast Guard that I put myself through their interrogation. Two drunken girls asking me details about what happened.

Was I sure if I had sex with him? OMG what If I was still a virgin.

I was after all making out with him so totally it was consensual.

How about the pillow over my face suffocating? S&M ! (and how much one of them loves it. Forgot which of the two said it)

They concluded that I am not a lesbian as they previously made a bet to each other wondering if I was. They diagnosed me as being heterosexual but suffering from penis-phobia Thanks for the diagnosis Drs.

They did not bring up the rape again but B sure went on a mission to cure my penis-phobia! I don’t hangout with her anymore since she turned 21 a few months back and does nothing but drink right now. Put everything that she did to me aside, I am concern about how much she now drinks. All the drinking though does not stop her from sending me photos of penises both real and things in penis-shapes.

Penis shaped straws? Check!

Penis shaped lollipops? Check!

Penis shaped pasta? Check!

Penis sandcastles? Check!

Penis shaped sand castles. She goes to the beach to build penises in the sand. The penis doctors are going to cure me with penis shaped sandcastles!

After B transferred to another unit it died down a bit. We haven’t spoken in at least 3 weeks.

I see PO1 ***** almost daily. Rumors are he still has his little side sex toy. We never spoke about what happened.

I did a web search for Coast Guard rape and found this website. I clicked on the link for MRCC and they refer me over to a counselor that they are paying for that won’t show up in my Coast Guard records. I love my counselor. I feel much better now that I am talking to someone. I haven’t had another break down like I did when I was with ***** and ***** I do not want to be labeled as a rape victim. I am keeping my head up high.

I know that I will be ok. If anything this made me a stronger and smarter person. I won’t ever get myself into a situation where I am so drunk to be raped again. I am done with partying. I am done with trying to fit in. I am focusing on my quals and doing my best in the Coast Guard. I spend my Saturdays nights home with a good book and I am content with that. I don’t need to go out and party anymore just to fit in. I am a bit of a loner right now but I don’t miss my old life of getting so wasted every time I am off duty. I’ll be okay.

Anonymous, United States Coast Guard

A friend of mine who is still in the Coast Guard status update on Facebook was that she had a great time at the on-base holiday party. I choked up and brought me to immediate tears. I never thought about the holiday party–or lack of-from when I was in the Coast Guard. I am surprised by my own tears and surprised on how it affected me.

I was forbidden to attend the holiday party.

I was the rape victim. I was the one being med boarded out.  I was the one who they loved to contradict themselves by saying that I am both a liar and was never raped-and a slut that deserved the rape.

Well what does rape have to do with attending a holiday party? Rape survivors were not allowed to attend. Makes no sense, right? Made no sense to me either so I spoke out.

And did I speak out.

I was the one that refused to take shit. I was the one who demanded that rape survivors be treated with respect, dignity and not like we are the enemy for reporting rape.

Rapists are the bad guys—rape survivors are not. They disagree. Most in the Coast Guard still do.

I was forbidden to attend the holiday party. It was said to be for my own safety. His friend (his meaning the rapist) were all going to be there. His friends said that they would love to rape me too. Hundreds of other should be there-everyone on base, and their spouses, and kids and well everyone were invited, everyone except the rape survivors. With so many women and kids on base you’ll think that they’ll ban rapists or men that threaten rape and not the rape victims? Makes no sense.

The party was held at the all hands club in Boston.  I was on my way home but made a stop by the entrance of the party. I don’t remember why I passed by it and not sure if I had something to do in that area of the base of if I decided to pass by the party to see if they changed their minds and let me in. I remember the HS1, a man that was kind to me, was at the door. He asked me if I have my ticket. I said that I did not. Then Joseph Segalla, a Commander said “she not allowed in.” I knew about it already from my immediate supervisor, an YNC, so I was not at all surprised. The Commanding Officer, Captain Keene, circulated an email that included the name of all who were transferred to the base in Boston for reason of reporting a rape or sexual assault. In the email he gave clear instruction forbidding us to attend the party. The email was circulated to all the survivors immediate supervisors. I ended up with a copy of that email from a YNC who made the mistake of forwarding it to me. HS1 did not say anything. I left.

The next duty day everyone were talking about how much fun the party was. Some not knowing that rape survivors weren’t allowed at the party asked me why I did not attend. What was I supposed to say? Oh yes, well you see I was beaten, raped and now I can’t go to the Holiday party. Made no sense to me. Makes not sense to you. I knew that it certainly wouldn’t make any sense to them. Instead, I just shrug and said next year -and hoping and praying that my med board comes through saying that rape survivors are able to serve and that I can see another Holiday party on base even though I doubt I would have attended-voluntarily or not. However I didn’t stay to see another Holiday party. I am part of the 92% who reported a rape…and kissed her career goodbye.

The thing is if I was invited, I mean if I were allowed, I probably wouldn’t have gone.  I am not a party person. I am not into drinking. I don’t want to see the friends of my rapists.  I am that woman that rather go to the bookstore than the bar. Parties, me we don’t mix. They bore me. I am not anti-social; bring a group of people and we can talk about social justice or the latest book that we read I’ll be in the middle of the group and the light of the party/talk whatever you want to call it. Take me to a bar I’ll be checking my watch, I mean- cell phone, wondering if it is time to leave yet.

Why is hearing about Coast Guard holiday parties affecting me now? At that time I thought that I didn’t care as much. Since leaving the Coast Guard I did not think twice about it. I even read the email from Captain Keene ever so often when going through my files and is angrier that he violated our privacy by listing our names than the fact that we weren’t allowed at the party.  I wish that I knew where these tears are coming from.

PTSD it gets you when you least expect it.

****For the record rape survivors were also not allowed to attend Coast Guard Day events (and they went to an amusement park, damm it) and All Hands meeting.

Anonymous, United States Coast Guard

I served in the Coast Guard for over six years where I met the most amazing woman that a man can ask for. She was an officer and I was enlisted.  To make things easier for our relationship to last I chose to leave the Coast Guard and she stayed. We got married as soon as I left the service.

Earlier this year a LCDR put a roofie in her pop and raped her. When she woke up from being unconscious she immediately went to the hospital and they gathered forensic evidence off from her. She reported it to a Lt. who in turn told her to keep quiet about it or else she’ll be charged under Article 134-Adultry.

She reported what the Lt. told her and the rape to another Lt. that backed up the first Lt. and also added that she could be charged for using a controlled substance.  They have been using the entire rape kit against her.  The rape kit that she had at the hospital can only prove that she had drugs in her system and that sexual intercourse occurred. It does not prove that the sexual intercourse was consensual. It is up to the survivor to prove that the sex was not consensual not for the perpetrator to prove that he had consent.

My wife wakes up every night since the rape with nightmares. She has problems at work and in our relationship. She goes into angry outburst with strangers in public that cause us to argue non-stop when she is screaming at strangers for getting in her way. Her road rage scares me so much that I drive her to work each day. She punches the walls. She breaks down in tears and curls herself up in a ball. I love her but I feel so powerless at times. She does not want to receive counseling because it’ll affect her security clearance. I told her that her career is pretty much over and to just accept it and get help but she refuses.

She never had the opportunity to report it and was threatened when she tried to report it to the appropriate people. She no longer trusts the Coast Guard. At work those who found out have called her a ‘drama queen’ and ‘emotionally unstable.’ A Commander called her ‘psycho bitch that is looking for a handout’ and promises her that when she leaves the Coast Guard that her record would show how screw up that she is that she won’t be able to compensate for this through the VA. This Commander is a friend of the Lt Commander.

I heard that the United States Coast Guard is by far the worst when it comes to stuff like this but I never believed it until it happened to us.