What I lost

Airman First Class, United States Air Force

I lost more I was with friends. People I trusted.

Being a normal 21 year old girl. I made a mistake.

Drank too much. Lost control.

But it was alright, I was with people I trusted….

I passed out; my night should have been done.

Wake up. I can’t move, something or someone is on top of me.

I can’t move.

Can’t speak something is in my mouth.

I can’t move.

Unwanted kisses go down my body.

I can’t move.

Open my eyes; everything goes in and out of focus.

I can’t move.

It’s you! I trusted, confided! Why!

I can’t move.

My legs are spread for me.

I can’t move.

My body betrays my mind.

I can’t move.

No I don’t want this, I never wanted this.

Please let him stop.

Someone wake up!

Someone stop him!

I can’t move.

Everything goes black……

I can’t move

You may have lost control for a moment, but I lost more.

You may have lost trust in people, but I lost more.

You may lose a career, but I still lost more.

I lost trust in people, in humanity.

I lost my dignity not only at your hands, but to a nurse, a camera and some cotton swabs.

I lost sleep, because I see not only you in my dreams, but nameless and faceless people.

I lost so much.

You didn’t care.

You didn’t care who you hurt.

You didn’t care how this would affect me.

I am the one who has to pick up the broken pieces and try and glue them back together

I can’t move.

I can’t move forward, don’t want to move backward.

I am stuck. Because of you there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it, and how I lost more.

5 comments

  1. You did a fantastic job describing what it is like to be drugged and raped. Its not an easy thing to do. I still can’t conceptualize the actual event.

  2. I am so sorry for all that you went through. You are a very brave and wonderful service member that did not deserve any of this.

  3. I am so sorry for all that you went through. My daughter was raped in the Air Force too. Know that there is lots of support out there if you want it.

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