Coast Guardswoman writes about rape at Coast Guard in Hawaii.

Update March 5, 2012: With request from the survivor, her victim advocate contacted Coast Guard District 14 (Hawaii) work life office. The  sole Sexual Assault Response Coordinator is on temp. duty in Alabama-working on non-sexual assault related work for the Coast Guard. The case manager was able to speak to Commander Marc Hawkins that was not able to meet the requests from the survivor which was to be transferred to another base. Without support from the Coast Guard the survivor of this horrific rape has to continue working with and seeing her rapist on an almost daily basis. The survivor approve this message to be posted on mydutytospeak.com with hope that with public awareness that the Coast Guard won’t force her to continue to work with her rapist.

Anonymous, United States Coast Guard

When I first joined the Coast Guard I tried my best to fit in. I forced myself to go out and learned to throw back the shots to fit in. I am also in Hawaii so I might as well enjoy my time here, right?

The weekend before Halloween 2011 I was invited to a costume part at the home of another coastie. Most were underage but alcohol was plenty thanks to a PO1. He was the only PO1 at a party with non-rates and non-coasties who were ten-years his junior. He and another supplied the alcohol so he came.

The PO1 is married but rumors were that he been sleeping around with a nonrate. I never have seen them together so I cannot tell you if the rumors were true.

I was drunk. So was the PO1. Four of us crashed in the living room that evening. Me, PO1 and two others slept over to sleep off the booze. The two others were passed out drunk not aware of what was happening. PO1 and I was making out. With beer goggles he was cute. We were making out. He put his hands up my shirt. I pulled them away. He tried again. I pulled them away again. He put his hands up my skirt. I pulled them away. He put them up again and I pulled them away again. He asked why I am wearing what I am wearing if I am not interested in him. I was a nurse for Halloween wearing a short shirt and a midriff top. He threw me down on the couch, grabbed a pillow, put it over my face. I could not breathe let alone scream or fight back. He raped me. He took my virginity.

He pushed me off the couch, handed me the pillow he was suffocating me with and slept on the couch. I went to the other side of the room and fell asleep.

I was thinking. Did he just rape me? No. He did not. It could not have happened. I kept on telling myself that. Of course he did not rape me. I led him on and he took the opportunity to have sex with me. I actually thought that if I left that I would have insulted him. I felt that if I left he would have thought that he did something wrong.

In the morning we all left. I went home.

I tried to put what happened behind me. At work it was never brought up and for good reason. First of all he should not have been at a party that was full of underage people. He supplied the booze which is illegal. I am also no angel. I was drinking. I was not of age to drink. We both are equally guilty of breaking Coast Guard policies.

I tried to act like nothing happened. Mentality though I have been suffering. When I see PO1 ***** I freeze. I physically feel that I am being suffocated by a pillow again. I am not sure if that makes sense.

There is one woman in the Coast Guard that I used to hang out with often. We were friends but not super tight. We were in the living room drinking. She is friends with G who I only met a couple of times before that evening.The conversation turned to sex. That evening the conversation turned to our first time. The only man that I ever had a sexual encounter with was with PO1 with the incident at the party.

This was the conversation:

B: When did you loose your virginity?
Me: umm. Sometime ago?
G: I was X years old. (Don’t remember exact age)
G went on to explain her first sexual encounter giggling after ever syllable.

I felt teary eye. I went to the bathroom and cried. What was I suppose to say? I lost my virginity by having a man put a pillow over my face. He raped me. There I said it. He raped me. PO1 ***** raped me. He raped me. I kept on whispering that to myself punching my head, slapping myself and trying to find something to kill myself with.

I left the bathroom pretending that everything was okay. I said that I had to go. B went by the door, grabbed me by my arm and asked what was wrong. G asked why talk of penis talk scares me. I said it does not scare me but I am tired. I have duty the next day. I want to go home. G said that I became a totally different person when they mentioned the word penis.

I broke down in tears. I tried my best not to. I hate myself for crying at that moment. I was having a break down. I broke down. I told them. I told them everything about PO1 and the night at the party (they were not at that party). I told them everything. I felt so vulnerable. Here I was telling my deepest secret to two girls that I don’t even consider being that close to. Hated myself for blurting out my entire life story just because they asked.

B said:

Petty Officer *****? He is married and screwing ***** on the side. He could not have done that!

Did she really just defend a man that is married and has a little play toy on the side? She sure did.

I stayed and we continued talking. I hate myself for being so weak. I am so desperate to have friends in the Coast Guard that I put myself through their interrogation. Two drunken girls asking me details about what happened.

Was I sure if I had sex with him? OMG what If I was still a virgin.

I was after all making out with him so totally it was consensual.

How about the pillow over my face suffocating? S&M !
(and how much one of them loves it. Forgot which of the two said it)

They concluded that I am not a lesbian as they previously made a bet to each other wondering if I was. They diagnosed me as being heterosexual but suffering from penis-phobia Thanks for the diagnosis Drs.

They did not bring up the rape again but B sure went on a mission to cure my penis-phobia! I don’t hangout with her anymore since she turned 21 a few months back and does nothing but drink right now. Put everything that she did to me aside, I am concern about how much she now drinks. All the drinking though does not stop her from sending me photos of penises both real and things in penis-shapes.

Penis shaped straws? Check!

Penis shaped lollipops? Check!

Penis shaped pasta? Check!

Penis sandcastles? Check!

Penis shaped sand castles. She goes to the beach to build penises in the sand. The penis doctors are going to cure me with penis shaped sandcastles!

After B transferred to another unit it died down a bit. We haven’t spoken in at least 3 weeks.

I see PO1 ***** almost daily. Rumors are he still has his little side sex toy. We never spoke about what happened.

I did a web search for Coast Guard rape and found this website. I clicked on the link for MRCC and they refer me over to a counselor that they are paying for that won’t show up in my Coast Guard records. I love my counselor. I feel much better now that I am talking to someone. I haven’t had another break down like I did when I was with ***** and ***** I do not want to be labeled as a rape victim. I am keeping my head up high.

I know that I will be ok. If anything this made me a stronger and smarter person. I won’t ever get myself into a situation where I am so drunk to be raped again. I am done with partying. I am done with trying to fit in. I am focusing on my quals and doing my best in the Coast Guard. I spend my Saturdays nights home with a good book and I am content with that. I don’t need to go out and party anymore just to fit in. I am a bit of a loner right now but I don’t miss my old life of getting so wasted every time I am off duty. I’ll be okay.

17 comments

  1. I am sorry that this happened to you. I want to point out though that your drinking had nothing to do with being raped. You should be able to go out and drink and not be raped. The only one at fault is the rapist. Don’t ever blame yourself.

  2. Reading your story sounds eerily familiar. 20 yrs ago I was active duty USAF, MacDill AFB, Tampa, Florida. Something very similar happened to me. I was new to the base, wanted to fit in and make friends and although I was quite aware of what I was doing I thought nothing of letting my neighbor airman come hang out in my room since he asked if I wanted to hang out. I was on a military base. I was safe! What could happen to me? Nothing right. I mean, I was one of the people wearing the uniform and swore to protect our country and so was he. It didn’t even enter my mind that I was in any kind of danger. We were both soldiers on the same side, on a military base, and I felt safe. Not too long after we went into my dorm room and closed the door he tried to kiss me. I wasn’t interested and felt uncomfortable so I tried to be polite and back away. The more I backed away he was more persistent. The next thing I knew I was on the floor with my hands pinned behind my head and he was sitting on top of me. He let my hands go and I tried pushing him away while he aggressively forced himself on me, touching me, kissing me and I couldn’t believe what was happening. I don’t think I screamed…..I think I might have…I don’t remember – maybe I wanted to scream but was scared – I think at some point I went numb like a scared animal playing dead. I was numb. I was confused. He left my room and I never told a soul. Not long after the incident I changed dorm rooms but started to have issues with any roommate I was given. I never thought about what happened but my military career ended only after two years because I changed. I couldn’t concentrate. I became moody and had a lot of issues and arguments with fellow airman and I eventually moved off base to an apartment. I was an A1C and didn’t make much money at all so everything I had went to pay for the apartment. I felt safer being off the base. My attitude at work changed and I became less tolerant. I started studying for the tests so that could advance my rank and get a promotion. I failed my first test and failed miserably. Every time I studied it was like reading the same line over and over again but it wasn’t sinking in. During all this time after the sexual assault I NEVER really thought of it, I never told anyone, and it never occurred to me that maybe what happened to me changed me and messed me up in some mental way. I failed the test again and my immediate Tsgt and his boss, Msgt. Lawrence got frustrated with me and believed that I was failing on purpose. At this point I didn’t care what anyone thought and all I wanted was to get out of the USAF and go home to my family. Apparently it was a big deal that I failed twice and there was a meeting with the Hospital Commander and one day Msgt. Lawrence came up to me and told me that they believed I was failing the tests on purpose and they were looking to press charges against me and were going to read me my rights. At that moment when she told me that I lost all my faith. Something drained from me….my spirit…my faith…I didn’t care what they wanted. All I wanted was to go home. It was downhill from that day. I went to work but I was broken. I was a robot going through the motions. I remember the day came when there was a General Inspection and everyone in the clinic was on edge and trying to make things perfect for the inspection. I remember being at the front desk of the clinic and Msgt was standing with the inspector watching me. The phones were ringing off the hook and there what seemed like a boat load of people at the front window waiting to be helped and I broke. I started to cry, grabbed the phone and literally threw it and I don’t remember anything after that. They sent me to see Psych and noted that I was depressed and not adapting to military life and put me on xanax. Not too long after that I was discharged from the USAF. For years I never told a soul. I never really thought about what happened to me. I drank a lot. I held a job and lived on my own but any I made horrible choices and was in a mentally abusive relationships. Eventually I married and started having trouble with anxiety and depression. After 9 yrs of being in a horrible marriage I eventually got the strength to ask for a divorce. It was then when I had a major breakdown. I overdosed and just before I laid down on the bed I realized what I had just done. “If I laid on that bed I would never see my daughter again. I would never wake up.” I called my mother and told her to get me to the hospital. I don’t remember much after that except when I woke up the next morning in “behavioral health”. It was then during one of my therapy sessions that I just blurted out everything that happened to me that night while on active duty. It all came rushing back to me as if it had just happened the night before. My life has not been the same since. I no longer work. I don’t have many friends. I have tried to deal with what happened through therapy and I take antidepressants and anxiety meds every day. I don’t sleep very well. I am angry with myself that I never told anyone what happened while I was still active duty. I am mad at myself for not calling the SPs or immediately telling SOMEONE. Not telling anyone has caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety and I still struggle with that. If there is one piece of advice I would give to the Anonymous Coastie I would say “First, it is NOT your fault. Tell someone while yu are still active duty and make that SOB pay for what he did. If anything it will be on your record and his record. The things that happened to you will NOT go away just by ignoring it although you think they will.” I pray for this Coastie and pray that she gets help with what happened to her and seeks therapy. Hind sight is 20/20 and if I knew then what I know now I am not sure my life would be different but I would at least satisfied that I might have tried to make that son of a bitch pay for what he did.

  3. who is the SARC while the real SARC goes do non-SARC related work? Contact them and see what they can do. this woman finally had the courage to come forward. She needs help NOW not when the SARC comes back. Such lack of urgency when it comes to helping rape survivors in the Coast Guard. Whatever happened to ‘zero-tolerance’?

    Under no circumstances should a rape survivor have to work under or with her rapist. Didn’t we learn anything from Maria Lauterbach who was forced to see her rapist everyday and then he eventually murdered her? Where is concern for the safety of the survivor?

    If she wants to transfer the transfer papers for either him or her should be completed within minutes of the request. This is her safety that we talking about.

  4. This is so wrong.

    1. It was not your fault that you were raped even if you were drinking.
    2. If you want to transfer away from your rapist you should NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
    3. Why is the SARC away doing non-SARC work for the CG. Is this one of those cases that she is a SARC but she also has 10 other job titles as well?
    4. Drinking underage should not hinder your chance of receiving justice.
    5. This is an urgent matter. Where is the Coast Guard?

  5. They should transfer her or him but it won’t happen. I have read the Coast Guard policy on sexual assault and no where in the policy does it say that the survivor and the perpetrator will be separated. The Coast Guard policy allows rape survivors to work side by side with their rapists if that is the best for the service.

    Additionally, the Coast Guard policy also makes everyone a mandatory reporter. B as well as anyone else who is aware of it is breaking Coast Guard policy for not reporting the rape. I do not agree with that policy and feel that if your good friend is in the Coast Guard and you want to tell her that you been raped you should be able to without losing the trust by her going to report it.

    There are a lot of faults in the way that the policy is written out.

    1. Thats were you are wrong, He will be in jail, let alone in the Coast Guard. RAPE IS RAPE, no cutting corners. He will be kicked out the moment it is reported and finallized.

      1. Why are only 2% of all rapes in the Coast Guard that are reported ever receive “judicial punishment”–which rarely include prison time but often include early retirement with full pension while 92% of all that REPORT rape are kicked out of the Coast Guard. These statistics shows that the Coast Guard punishes rape survivors while promoting rapists. You’ll see that case after case, story after story. Women are blamed for, told that they are liars and crazy while rapists are given promotions or honorable discharge.

        The reason why 90% of all rapes are never reported is because of such harsh treatment against the victim. Heck rape survivors are not even allowed on Coast Guard base to perform Coast Guard Auxilary duties do you really think that they want them to perform Active Duty Coast Guard duties?

        Right now it got to the point that when I see a member of the United States Coast Guard, especially a high ranking male officers the first thing that comes to mind is not to thank him for his service or about the work he does for this country but wondering how many women he raped or how many rapes he helped covered up. The Coast Guard has become synonyms with Rape and the only ones to blame are those officers that year after year and rape case after rape case they kick out the survivor from service and not prosecute the rapist.

        My good friend was raped at a small boat station. Her Chief forced her to continue working with her rapist while allowing the rest of the crew to call her a “crazy, lying whore” and physically abuse her. Despite severe physical injuries, a confession from the rapist and the victim passing a polygraph test the rapist was handed an honorable discharge while the victim was kicked out of the military. Members of the United States Congress investigated the case and found considerable evidence that a rape occurred but the Coast Guard still refuse to do anything but blame the victim. To this day my friend receives death threats from Active Duty Coast Guard members, often in email from “@uscg.mil” email addresses. CGIS refuse to do anything.

        The statistics above are from the United States Congress.

  6. The PO1 sounds like a dick. I am sorry that this happened to you. There is a lot of support on this page and elsewhere. Stay close to MRCC and Panayiota they are good to know. Good luck in your career.

  7. This from a mans standpoint! There is absolutely no excuse for rape. Guys say that because women dress or act the way they do it is deserved….. bullcrap!! I am all in favor of castration for men that do things like that. They have no balls anyway. Im sry his happened to you and want to say that there are a few good men out there. I’m just sry you had to encounter a jackass first. Keep your chin up, In time it will get better!! This is from a fellow soldier in the Army. We are all together.

  8. SARC can’t help if she doesn’t know. A lot of people want to do the right thing (like hold PO1 accountable, move you to a different unit, etc) but can’t get involved unless you reach out. So sorry this happened. Not just the rape, but the poor treatment by the two girls afterwards.

  9. I’m surprised that no one has mentioned that “B” is guilty of sexual harassment. It’s not right for anyone, friend or not, to treat you that way, especially given the situation.

    I’m also wondering if there are any updates more recent than March 5th.

  10. My wife just joined the Coast Guard and is in Bootcamp, if I ever find out some dude is sexually harassing her or god forbid she gets raped, I will kill them, literally… I will murder them… I am so sorry for all women who get treated this way and all they wanted to do is to serve their Country. I served 6 years in the U.S. Army Infantry and a year in Iraq, and never served with a female, so Never knew this shit happened as much as it did. My wife is very pretty and I just stay up at night thinking about all the sick fucks out there. God bless u and please, for all women out there, report your incident, to get that sick fuck thrown in jail before he strikes again.

  11. I am so sorry this happened to you. The fact is this: YOU did nothing wrong! This dirtbag raped you. He damn near killed you! I wish you had been able to report this without fear of repercussions, but I know how that goes too. I was raised military, as an AF Brat. I saw too many of my active duty friends suffer the way you have.

    I normally wouldn’t respond, but I was searching for “rape sentences & victim protection in the state on Hawaii”, when I stumbled upon this page. I was doing this because I was taken from my home and raped in August. I was drinking with my housemates (at home). A friend invited someone over to our house I had never met or seen before (a former Marine). I went from sitting around the table with 5 people to waking up in a place I did not know. I was drinking, but wasn’t blackout drunk by any stretch. I hit this man and started demanding to know where I was and what he did to me (I was in a great deal of pain). He then grabbed me and raped me again. I waited to report this for more than a day because he threatened me, and I thought the SANE exams were done in our local ER, and I didn’t want anyone I work with to know what happened to me. But I kept my clothing and took my own photos with me when I did go to the PD. I went through the SANE exam in a quiet, private room, with a counselor by my side and a very caring nurse. I am more fortunate, that I have a detective on my side and that, when questioned, my rapist admitted to having sex with me, but said it was consensual, so the DNA is less important in my case. My internal and external injuries tell another story. To this day, his handprint is still visible on my left arm.

    My rapist is still running around town & said in court that he is making arrangements to take a military contract in Afghanistan. I’m told that Hawaii has extradited people for much lesser offenses. I was able to get a 3 year restraining order in place. I plan on watching him go to jail.

    You didn’t have this option. I’ve seen how different it is for active duty women for more than 30 years. I completely understand why you weren’t able to handle this though military channels. This is also NOT your fault. “B” should be held accountable for sexual harassment. I’m so sorry you have to deal with her on top of having to work in the same place with your rapist.

    I’m so grateful that you shared your story. But more so, that you SURVIVED and are able to share it. You LIVED! And you (like me) were able to find a great counselor. This won’t be easy, but you need to know that just speaking up means you are stronger than you know. Wish I could reach out & give you a hug. You are an amazing young woman!

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